Potential triggers and pretty frank "guy talk".
I've always been the horniest, highest-libido'ed person I've ever known. Being bi makes it even more intense because just walking down the street I can see double the eye candy, imagine twice as much. Note that I choose not to attribute either the "hypersexuality" or my orientation to the CSA. When properly and harmlessly indulged I enjoy both of these aspects of myself.
I suffered a complete mental breakdown in 2012 due to a lot of high-stress events (house/moving, job threats, son starting school, ID theft) intersecting amidst the backdrop of my wife having such a disastrously sick pregnancy that I couldn't even get so much as a HUG from her for 14 months. Seriously, when identity thieves cleaned out my bank account and I asked her to just hold me, she couldn't / wouldn't even do that even then. Went through our anniversary, Hanukkah, New Years Eve, my birthday, Valentines Day, and Father's Day - nothing. I hated my life except for when I felt like I was already dead. When I wasn't trying to face the horrible stress clusters all bearing down on me, I would seethe with resentment, regret, and, well, something close to hate if not quite there. Have still never really understood how someone can play on a Blackberry but not give a handjob. 14 months is a long time for ANY man to go without even so much as the smallest item on the menu - and that was along with me basically being a domestic servant, when I got home from work I'd have to do all the caregiving, cooking, cleaning, everything for her, our son, and even the damn dog. Just thinking of that time makes me hyperventilate. Yes, of course I'd j/o a lot - but I soon grew to hate that precisely because I could see it was all I was getting, even as I was giving so much. The good feelings were gone and I could never ever relax. With THAT as a backdrop, it didn't take too many major life upsets all perfectly synchronized to drive me round the bend and knock down the dark door where I'd hidden my CSA memories all those years. So, great, you can't get any sexual validation, here have some sexual victimization instead, maybe that will do the trick!
I finally got a tolerable, functional marriage back in mid-November '12. But since then I feel sex has changed... become more an urgent, furious drumbeat charge. I can't relax except when we're doing it. I was VERY demanding at first and was 100% justified in this. But now after a few months, things have kind of reverted to a very scripted scenario - recently once a week, if I'm lucky. It's kind of become how I measure the passage of time.
My T doesn't think I'm a sex addict, technically - her phrasing is that I really did go through a difficult period and it strained my emotions and it changed my priorities. As she puts it - the passengers on the Titanic weren't "addicted to air."
Yesterday morning wifey and I were supposed to do it. She had already put it off 3 days and tried to talk me out of it then, and at last insisted it be a "quickie". Without getting too explicit, she did things that made damn sure it was a quickie - like, less than 30 seconds. If I'd just "prematured" that would be one thing, I'd be embarrassed and let down, but this was seriously her trying to get it over with as fast as possible on purpose, knowing me enough to know how, and succeeding, despite my wishes. And she joked about it afterwards.
I've been seeing red ever since. Constantly angry, bitter and hurt. I'm in another world, totally absent from conversations and family life, knowing in advance that I'd be so pissed and regretful that I'd be unable to "get through" a work week - and here it is 11am Monday and I've done nothing, just zoning out, so prophecy self-fulfilled. I've j/o-ed about 7 times since yesterday morning but it doesn't help me re-focus on reality. I seriously don't know how I'm supposed to now essentially go TWO weeks on that. I seriously don't give a rat's ass about anything else that could possibly happen or be expected of me this week, I just goddamned need it to be next weekend already. And I'm looking forward to it with anger, vindictiveness, instead of playful love and desire.
The more I think of it - which is CONTINUOUSLY - the more pent-up and furious I get.
The worst part? She's afraid I'll cheat on her. She demands I not spend too much time with female colleagues because "I know you're very vulnerable now" and she has repeatedly quizzed me on just how intense my feelings for males are and how far I've ever gone or would go. She's afraid I'll cheat on her - and does THAT to our sex life???
I just need to be able to let the barriers down, to relax, let loose, enjoy. To be held, accepted, desired, embraced, to be able to feel another human body however I move my own.
And maybe it does help me push the abuse memories away for a little while - making plain that the... treatment... I painfully remember (nearly constantly, goddammit) isn't the man I turned out as, that I can take charge, that I can give and receive pleasure, even do some things similar to what was done to me but in a kind, gentle, mutualistic manner, proving how it's "supposed to be." Whatever it involves and whatever it means I need it so goddamned bad I have a headache now. I don't know how I'll be able to deal with her all night tonight if we don't have sex - but I don't want to be That Guy, just cravenly begging or bullying his wife. I don't get why it can't be more frequent when she does know how bad I need it. Like, oxygen-level need it.
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny