I hate to see you experiencing such pain. I can certainly empathize with you. There have been times when the pain I've experienced as a result of CSA and subsequent therapy has seemed unbearable. It feels like the pain is unrelenting and just escalating. Every little task requires tremendous amount of energy and focus to accomplish. For every step forward, it seems like you're hit with 4 steps backward.
The truth is, it gets better. The pain is not permanent and progress is possible. The fact that you are here shows you have the strength to survive. You have endured some terrible things, but you have survived. That is a testament to your fortitude and your will to continue on. Your are strong, CF and you will make it through. You may have to punch the morning each day, but each day you have done it, and that is reason to celebrate. You may have to move mountains, but by god, you have moved them. Where others choose not to tread, you are marching on. It is a measure of your strength.
Putting your thought into words, and posting them here on MS is therapeutic. Just the act of doing so can release the pain. You have the support of so many other survivors here at MS, and the synergy generated by so many men supporting each is a catalyst to healing. Take it one day at a time, or if you need to, take it an hour at a time. Soon you will be surprised and impressed at the progress you've made.
Good luck CF, you have the strength within you to overcome.