I've had a horrible week.
I'm tearing myself apart, simultaneously defending my self.
Waking up to arguments, my parents saying things they used to right before they split up. To just utter shit. I wake up and know my day is ruined. It's very triggering.
I also went back to a corner of my past, hoping to see some change, but seeing it is the same as it was. It was again, very triggering. The online life I used to have... I began to see myself outside of that escape, the kid I was. I ran away from reality to the internet, the only place I could receive praise, but never the less I was harassed as well. I kept thinking to myself, what if they knew, what if they knew who I was outside of the internet, outside of my screen name. But instead, I traveled back and saw myself the way I never could. Being raped just before going online to act like it never happened... just a kid, running away to my fantasy, where I was "famous" for my programming abilities. I saw the damage, I saw the kid, I saw the atrocities as I'd never seen them before. And I realize, this is why I'm so fucked up.
And lately, being out with friends, my best and only true friend, my own abuser's ex boyfriend. Hell, I know that must be triggering me, but I can't lose him. I'm falling in love with him, and I feel like I can't let that happen. Because if I ever fucked up somehow, I'd never be able to get over it, and things would never be the same. At the same time, my insecurities scathing me. Am I even good enough for him?
Friends; the terrifying fear of losing them. The reason I isolated myself in the first place. I'm so terrified of losing my new friends because I'm not good enough for them or something. Jealousy, envy, emotions I can't control. I see a friend hanging out with someone and wonder why I wasn't invited or something, like maybe they don't really like me.
Vanity, rips me apart. I've been taught I'm only good for sex, so I must be the best I possibly can at it, and look the best I possibly can or else nobody will pay any attention to me. Hell, I've been offered modelling jobs, even porn jobs. But still, a scar here, a stretch mark there, acne on my face, a red spot on my chest, glare at me in the mirror and I say, not good enough, fix it, I'm broken.
Sex; fuck me what can I do about this? I feel like I can't have sex, because of my insecurities, of course I must mention that "I'm not big enough" even though I'm perfectly average. But all the shit my cousin did to me, I'm sexually dysfunctional. I don't even know if I could have sex if it came down to it, maintain an erection, get into it without my cousin getting into my mind. My libido is so low lately, I went out to check my testosterone levels, hopefully I'm in the normal range, and I most likely am, but how will I recover from this one? I gotta have sex to build my confidence, and to get my cousin out of my mind. I need new memories to draw from, new people, people that aren't abusing me.
So much shit, I'm just so fucked up. I feel like a failure, I need to fix all of it. I just don't know, there's so much pain, sometimes I don't think I'll make it. I pray to whatever god may exist that I can make it through this, but know I'll never hear anything. But it's all I can do at this point. I need some kind of hope, and definitely some help.
I wish I could fully elaborate my pain and my problems right now, but not even I can see the full scope of it all. I just have to punch morning in the face and wake the fuck up and deal with it. I have to fight, I have to push. It's not fair, this burden I have on my shoulders, the mountains I'm forced to move, but I have to put one foot in front of the other or just check out, and I'm not going to check out just yet. I'm not giving up without a fight. But that fight is exhausting me, and right now, it hurts like hell.
I don't know what I need guys, but maybe someone here can just offer me some kind of support or advice idk. I drowning here. I looked myself in the mirror the other day and thought to myself for the first time, almost as a death sentence I thought, I don't think I'm going to make it. Unless a miracle happens, I don't think I'm going to make it. I have only 2 people in my life right now I love and I know who love me back, my sister Chevin, and my best friend Kyle. If I lost them, like I lose everyone else, I don't know what I'd do.
I cry and think to myself suicide is the only way out, while simultaneously thinking what a shame it would be to die. I feel the potential I have, and I know it'd be a great loss, and I cry some more this time thinking, I don't want to die. I don't want the world to lose me because someone else ruined me. It sometimes feels like I never had a chance.
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein