Lee, J, and Country- I appreciate all you say. I say God is silent, but upon contemplation, has He been showering me with special gifts the past two weeks? Gifts meant to help me move forward ?
Remember a post I made last week regarding the inner child- little me? And how that little me hung around for the evening and into the night. I remember expressing how wonderful it felt after all these years to experience such a calming joy...even if just for a brief period in time. It was truly a spiritual experience. A Gift.
And tonight when I had written the first draft of my letter to my "good cousin", I reread it. From the distant past I rediscovered (with detail) one with such a good, kind spirit who influences my life even today. My cousin became real again. He actually did exist at one point and he loved me. He loved me. I was permitted to pull this relationship from the past, bring it forward, embrace it, and begin to grieve for the loss of it. It is a spiritual experience. A Gift.
This is not happening over night. It is long and it is painful, but it is happening. I am moving into a different realm, stage, whatever it is with the healing. I dearly believe I am being watched over, but I have always felt that. I still cry out, I am still afraid, and I am still alone. I still drink too much, and act out inappropriately, But I am also witnessing the unfolding of a specialness about my life, even as I sort through the rubble and the damage done. Tonight I consider that to be good. It is a gift.
And I know I sound like a confused man, but guess what? I am. I don't know how else to describe it other than in a generalized, spiritual way. When I feel progress made, it comes in a "spiritualized manner". I don't want to put a cloak on it, I don't want to put it in a box of any sort, because then it becomes something else to me. I don't even want to over-analyze it. I prefer to let it evolve as I am evolving. And maybe God is listening.
And what about tomorrow ? ... well, there is always tomorrow.
For now we see through a glass, darkly.