My little brother is getting closer and closer to the age I was at when everything happened (4 1/2). It is triggering me and bringing up weird memories. When I pick him up and teach him how to ride his bike and all the activities we do, I can't believe how truly young I was. It is triggering me immensely when i'm around him. It makes me want to cry. It is hard to be around him, but then that isn't fair to him, it would be letting my abuse affect him. I want to follow him everywhere he goes but then again, I have to let him live his life.
I feel so guilty when I find him triggering. I imagine myself getting abused then look at him and picture it happening to him too, it freaks me out. I can't believe that when I had his mentality, I was dealing with grown up things. I think i'm seeing myself through him, and this is causing me to imagine him being in my situation when I was his age. It isn't fair to him, and it makes me want to throw up.
It puts the abuse in perspective when i'm looking at him. I re-enacted porn magazines my cousin had, so I was doing some hardcore stuff like the professionals did. When I imagine him doing it, it makes me want to lock him up in a vault so no one gets to him. Its so hard to imagine myself doing all the things I started doing at that age, with that mentality. I don't want to get into detail of all the crazy positions and stuff I did, but I can't believe a 4 year old started doing those things until 2nd grade.
I know some people have kids here, and i'm not sure if you guys found them triggering like I find my little brother, but I need advice on how to cope when i'm visiting him. Otherwise I'll be uncomfortable around him and that won't be fair to him.