Some more info .....
He knows I spoke to our half brother and probably assumes it was about the abuse.... there is kind of an opening to discuss that further.
Ok my confusion....Trigger warning!!!!
We were both abused by our older brother.
When I was 5 or 6 he and his friend MBed in front of me and showed me how to do the same. They both tried to penetrate me anally but stopped when I said it hurt. I was aware of their sexual relationship. He would MB in front of me up until I was about 9. Throughout the years there was lots of sexual talk and pornography. And talks about sex (gay and straight) with him and his 'friends'. He encouraged me to have a sexual relationship with another boy when I was 10 - which I did.
But there was good 'normal' brother stuff. We were very protective of each other. He was bullied alot (for doing 'gay' stuff and being a 'dork') and even though I was 4.5 years younger I stood up for him. When I was sick at an athletics carnival in year 3 he took care of me and got in trouble in the process. We worked on cars together. We talked about girls and he taught me everything he wished someone had told him about sex with girls. We were in a car accident when he was driving and he was so worried that he had hurt me. He has always been very competitive with me and trying to out do me (like all brothers I expect). He is a survivor too and has horrible depression and anxiety. He has no real friends and has a very low self esteem. He does put me down a lot and judge me - but I have always known that was just to make himself feel better. I can deal with that (mostly). When we were both married with kids we became quite close and hung out a lot. Our wives were friends. Our kids played together.
I really do want my brother back. But is that just a pipe dream??
I don't know if I can put this back in it's box.
Add: Just to clarify - I was 5 when they tried to sodomise me and they were both 10 and had starting to develop. It hurt because they had partially penetrated me. They stopped because I cried and they were not complete monsters. We were not close in age (4.5 years). All the sexual stuff happened before I reached puberty and my brother has never seen my developed thing. It was NEVER what could be described as 'equal' experimantation. My brother taught me that I lived in a world where boys had sex with other boys. That was what boys did.
Edited by Farmer Boy (03/27/13 12:02 PM)
Edit Reason: clarify
More than meets the eye!