I don't know how to use the message board so that it says who I am replying to?
Anyway...I have a bigger dilemma I need help with. I haven't disclosed all of the current situation.
When we were together and things were still good we had considered investing in an apartment in NYC because we didn't have enough saved to buy a home in a good neighborhood (nor probably ever will).
When it seemed he just needed space and time away from me and wanted to be alone to "heal" and work on his past abuse, he convinced me that he should live in this one bedroom condo we found. It would be temporary - 6 months to a year - and he would be close by to be around for the baby and anything we needed.
So he could concentrate on school and build his self esteem and have the money he would be paying in rent to go toward owning something he can give to his son in the future.
While it would be completely depleting all of my savings and putting me in massive debt (200,000 mortgage), it actually seemed to make sense and we found a great place in a neighborhood that will only get better.
He is not on the mortgage and he has no income. He is a full-time student who makes some money with an online shop. I can't afford to pay for two households as well as the baby's high daycare expenses and he promised he would do whatever it takes. He would never jeopardize us.
In the months it's taken to close, he has spiraled, stays out all night, disappears, so many women, and this hook-up culture with his friends where they go to parties and bars to meet girls -- "working it" as one said in a text, or "thanks for handing me that one" from another. Drinking, drugs, sex, you name it.
I know it all comes from his CSA and I still love him, but I can't believe a word he says and fear going through with this apartment would only enable his self-destructive behavior in a place where he thinks I won't know or isn't hurting me. But I will be responsible for this place, too. And I think I'd rather lose $20,000 downpayment than put my child's financial future in more jeopardy.
In his mind, he thinks if he has his own space, he can work on his healing and stop this behavior and deal with his abuse. And feel good about investing in something for the baby's future. And work to build his self esteem. And I should give him a chance.
He also has no place to go and no money, so the other threats are that he'll go back to his home country and never see the child again. Or he's attempted suicide (or lead me to believe) when I've tried kicking him out before and I really don't want to have the guilt of him killing himself nor what that would do to my son't future.
And really, I just want a clean break with him. I don't want to be tied to anything with him but when we need to communicate about our child.
I've decided not to run to a divorce lawyer and could even forgive him if he gets help.
Believing this apartment will make things better, as he does, just isn't reality, though I desperately wish that was the case and have been clinging to that belief for months, too.
I just don't know how to tell him without things getting really ugly. He will be desperate if he thinks I'm kicking him out to nothing. I'd be willing to let him stay in our place and find a new apartment for me and the baby. He could get a roommate and figure it out on his own.
I really don't know what to do. Please help, anyone.
It is really a shame as it is a great apartment and would be a wonderful investment if not for the fact that everything else is in chaos...