SamV, thank you. I guess I have problems establishing boundaries besides "if you continue to sleep with other women, we're done." He is leaving, he is planning to move out. He says so that he can work on himself and heal from the abuse, but it could also mean being able to act out without anyone knowing (i.e. then he thinks he's not hurting me...).
There's nothing I can do. I can't force him to get help. He needs to want to get help...
I just didn't really know what was happening at first and he pushed me to fights and then justified that I was the one who didn't love him anymore or didn't want the marriage anymore. And I'm the critical one and the one who makes him feel bad and am abusive in my angry words to him. And everyone else loves him and makes him feel great.
Yes, I've been really angry. And yes, I have said hurtful things.
And unfortunately, one of the really bad fights was in front of our baby.
It makes me sick and sad to think of him with all of these women and I probably still could forgive him, though I sometime feel I hate him. I know I don't hate him. I love him. I hate the abuse and what it's done to him.
My biggest dilemma is that I unfortunately feel a bit responsible to help him out financially when he leaves since he is a student and I've been supporting the family and he has nothing...
Of course, me cutting him off would definitely help him "reach bottom" quickly but that would be me controlling the situation and acting out my codependency illness.
And I can't stop wanting to hack into his phone that he keeps password protected and hides all of his women and bad behavior. And i know that's just me obsessing and torturing myself.
But it complete torture. Sometimes I think a divorce will end the torture. Then I will no illusions about a better future or illusions about him loving me and then betraying me. I just want it to stop.
I know it's up to me to find how to be happy without him and focus on my child and my work. It's just so hard that we can't have a clean separation. That we not only have to be in contact for our child, but he also will rely on me somewhat.
And the saddest thing, is that when all of the advice is to be strong and set boundaries, I don't even know what those boundaries are besides ending things, like I said in the beginning of this message.
Anymore advice is greatly appreciated. Would it help me to see a therapist who specializes in CSA even if he won't? My therapist is good but doesn't really understand and has been telling me to make him leave so I stop enabling his behavior. But I don't think kicking him out is the answer. I've also tried and failed.