I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR (as many of you know), and my T asked me to generate a list of symptoms of my DID to use as a baseline to determine our effectiveness going forward.
So I thought I would post my list here, and invite others to comment or add their own. Here's my list:
* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.
* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)
* Recreating the abuse
* Losing time
* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.
* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."
* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit.
* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.
* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.
* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger.
* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.
Welp. That's all I can think of.
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.