I'm about to start low-dose naltrexone EMDR (as many of you know), and my T asked me to generate a list of symptoms of my DID to use as a baseline to determine our effectiveness going forward.

So I thought I would post my list here, and invite others to comment or add their own. Here's my list:

* Anxiety

* Inability to form or maintain a relationship. I identify as straight but have sex with old men. Unable to form relationships with either women or older men.

* Eroticizing my perp's physical characteristics (sexual anatomy, hair color, style of dress)

* Recreating the abuse

* Losing time

* Feeling a physical force inside my body that contains my negative emotions (perhaps all of my emotions), which can overwhelm me, cause me to cry uncontrollably, and can control my body to a limited degree, but I can't speak or move my hands when he is in control. I call him Izzy.

* Feeling detached from my emotions; unable to regulate emotions when they are felt; described by others as "emotionally sensitive."

* Not comfortable in my own body. Feeling like I am a boy trapped inside a man suit.

* Dissociated from my digestion system. Didn't have regular BM's until I became a coffee drinker in my 20s. Still have trouble remembering last BM or last meal, even when I try to recall it.

* Daily marijuana use to regulate anxiety and prevent nightmares.

* Financial problems. Feeling triggered and dissociated from financial matters. Possible that perp gave me money and so money is an unconscious trigger.

* Feeling that death is the only escape from the pain.

Welp. That's all I can think of.

I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.