To clarify my original long post:
1) I was an adventure seeking kind of kid...pre-abuse included.
2) I was/am ADHD
3) After what happened, I became sullen, irritable, withdrawn; I acted out overtly, hid the real cause and blamed it on my parents' move.
4) I had knee surgery and experienced a loss of control in a clinical setting.
5) The ADHD was treated with Ritalin; I was able to focus my energy.
6) I shifted my attention to the things I was good at---swimming, baseball and academics.
7) I went to an ultra-competitive boarding school where I was in my element.
8) In college, I discovered that I was an adult and had control over my body.
9) That epiphany led me to understand that control meant I had the power to give up control if I wanted to. Like Matt said, it was used to moderate the competitive side of me that compensated for the lack of control I had when I was abused.
10) University researchers are always looking for college students to use as physchological/physiological research subjects; I reconnected with the old clinically sanctioned loss of control---often for money. I used them and they used me.
It was acting out.
Which is worse---selling yourself as a research subject, or selling yourself as a research subject with ulterior motives? The answer is, "nobody cares." That is acting out in plain sight.
Edited by Suwanee (03/23/13 09:34 AM)
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding