To clarify my original long post:

1) I was an adventure seeking kind of kid...pre-abuse included.
2) I was/am ADHD
3) After what happened, I became sullen, irritable, withdrawn; I acted out overtly, hid the real cause and blamed it on my parents' move.
4) I had knee surgery and experienced a loss of control in a clinical setting.
5) The ADHD was treated with Ritalin; I was able to focus my energy.
6) I shifted my attention to the things I was good at---swimming, baseball and academics.
7) I went to an ultra-competitive boarding school where I was in my element.
8) In college, I discovered that I was an adult and had control over my body.
9) That epiphany led me to understand that control meant I had the power to give up control if I wanted to. Like Matt said, it was used to moderate the competitive side of me that compensated for the lack of control I had when I was abused.
10) University researchers are always looking for college students to use as physchological/physiological research subjects; I reconnected with the old clinically sanctioned loss of control---often for money. I used them and they used me.

It was acting out.

Which is worse---selling yourself as a research subject, or selling yourself as a research subject with ulterior motives? The answer is, "nobody cares." That is acting out in plain sight.


Edited by Suwanee (03/23/13 01:34 PM)
I've got this life
And the will to show
I will always be
Better than before