I am new here. I've been reading posts for awhile. I'm not sure if this is the place to post. I love my husband unconditionally and forever. He is my best friend and soulmate. I have been with him for 28 years. We have 4 children together. I found out a year and half ago that he had his second affair. (That I know of) I don't know what to believe anymore. His first one was when we first got married and money and EVERYTHING was very stressful. We went to couples therapy and he spent the next 10 years being open and accountable for his actions. He told me the affair was just an escape. Fast Forward to October 2010. My normally sensitive sweet husband started being mean to me. Never physical, but drinking a ton. (He's always partied), but we are talking coming home plastered not being where he said he was going to be etc. After a year of this I went to Al anon. I tried to focus on me and not him. But I knew he had demons. A month later I found out he had been having an affair. He said it had nothing to do with me at all. She was easy and didn't want anything from him. It came out shortly after that he was abused as a little boy. At 5, 7 and 9. Slowly more and more details have come out, but he is scared to go to therapy. He feels like what if it doesn't work? Then what? He had an appt to go in December and sabbotaged it. I have seen this man cry about 5 times in 28 years and he was sobbing on Christmas eve. He says all this acknowledging of his abuse makes him feel like he is giving the abusers power. I told him he is a survivor, they have no power over him. He just isn't healed yet. I am in tremendous pain. I feel like I am in limbo. I still can't understand how my best friend could do this to me and how it has nothing to do with me? I don't trust him. I am tired of thinking about him all the time. I am tired of obsessing over the bar whore who he had his affair with( I'm soooooo angry) I am mourning what happened to my husband as a helpless little boy. I am tired of waiting on him to get help. I feel hopeless. I like to read. I have read Allies in Healing and Radical Forgiveness. Is there anything else good to read? I am starting therapy next week for myself. I just feel so sad and like someone has literally sucked all the joy out of me. Help?