I am going to just put it out there..... I think I can understand that as a child I was manipulated. The sexual encounters between myself and my abuser lasted 7yrs from the age of 8 until I was 14.
The real self destructive nightmare that haunts me is the sexual conduct that occurred between my abuser and myself when I was in my early 20s.
Dont ask me what I was thinking when I "CONSENTED" to sexual activity with this man after so many years. The truth is I was thinking about everything.... all of it: the physical love and pain, the emotional loneliness, hurt and love AND I was also thinking that as an adult the proverbial ball would be in my court. That after having sex with him on my terms by my choice that my life would then belong to me. Well it still doesn't to this day.
I gave my soul away when I engaged in a sexual activity with him as an adult. This one moment mitigated the self loathing and shame that consumes me today. I have no one to blame but myself. I dont think I can ever be a "survivor" of this.
What is wrong with me?? By all account (on the outside) I have an amazing life. I look at photos and think "who is that guy".
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.