Self-hatred is a big part of the baggage we all carry. Despite knowing intellectually that we were innocent of any wrong, we still have the feeling that it was our fault, that we wanted it, that it must have happened because we are BAD, or we are somehow stained or tainted (maybe even cursed) by what was done to us.
This is such a huge thing. I have never read anything ever where I blamed the kid. I always always think, it's not your fault... you didn't do anything wrong... don't blame yourself... And all that sort of stuff. It's easy to see that about someone else's story. But when it's your own story it seems different. Like I could have done this, should have done that, I am stupid, obviously I wanted it, why did I keep going back if it was that bad, maybe it wasn't that bad and I'm over reacting. Can't cut myself any slack, there are no reasonable excuses, it's all my fault. If any other person in the world told me my story as their own I'd feel sorry for them and tell them none of it was their fault. Why can't I do that for myself? This is something I want to change about myself though.