All this is not any form of self-harm, just me expressing my own pathetic pity-party, when youíre at the bottom there is no way to go but up; just venting my general frustration with life and trying to get free from myself.

See Iím just tired of it all, tired of fighting, tired of everything, nothings any fun, everything just sucks, how can I even kid myself anymore I no longer want to walk the earth, why? See thatís the ultimate insult; Iíd give anything to not get up tomorrow, to just fade away, to go into the black. I tried so hard for so long. I went out of my way numerous times; karma just smiled at me and refused my infantile request for an end of my suffering. I feel like such a shit like the ultimate in ungrateful bastards, I have so much, some have so little, and all I want to do is die, I want everyone to finally abandon me so I can end it, yet karma just smiles and says fuck you! I spent years contemplating suicide and at the end I realized it wasnít about me, I could never leave those behind, I could never leave my wife alone, I could never leave my sons fatherless, I may be the most horrible person on the planet, the very scum of the earth, but I know pain, and I could never voluntarily inflict that torture on someone, let alone those I care about. I fantasize about what it would be like, the cold barrel in my mouth, the sweat pouring off of me; I wonder whether Iíd hear the gun go off, I wonder about the final physical feelings, what itís like to enter the black, the only reality Iíve never seen, and besides Iíve been curious about it forever.

thanx for letting me vent.

"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine