****Might Trigger****

Hi everyone. I'm new here and am scared to share this, but I am really hoping to find others who can relate to what I am feeling so I won't feel so alone. I hope what I wrote doesn't sound stupid.

I am a survivor of incest by several family members, including my dad and my mom. But the abuse by my mom is I think probably the hardest to deal with. It hurts me so much. It makes me sick, it makes me feel ashamed, disgusting, humiliated, broken, and weak.

Part of me feels as though I should have been able to stop it, though intellectually I know that is impossible for a child to do.

As a small child, I tried to make sense of why my daddy was touching me. I decided he must have mistaken me for my mother. My mother's abuse made me feel like she had sucked out my soul and put herself in it's place. So between the feelings caused by the abuse by my dad and my mom, I ended up feeling like I was her. And so I grew up with this feeling that I was my mother. It has made me feel emotionally "castrated". I don't know how to separate from my parents, emotionally. I feel like, no matter how far I am from them, they are inside of me, inside my mind and my soul and like I can't be free. I feel forever bound by them.

I have stopped communicating with them. I tried setting boundaries and that didn't work, so I finally realized that for me to be able to heal, I had to stop talking to them. I have felt so guilty, like such a bad child. It's really hard to resist the urge to call them, but I know I can't, it is too damaging and I have to heal.

This has all made it very hard for me to be intimate with my partner. It wasn't too long after we got married that I began having trouble, and the trouble just got worse and worse, though he is so kind and understanding. I just feel like sex is sick, dirty, demeaning, and shaming. It makes me feel like I am my mother again. It makes me feel so vulnerable and that is so hard for me. Vulnerability is hard. I hate vulnerability, I fear it, though I know that it is actually true strength.

I struggle with feeling like I have to be strong, like I shouldn't cry, I shouldn't hurt, I should "be a man". I don't know how to connect to other men and that even furthers the feeling that I am different, that I am a woman, though I don't want to be a woman. I don't say that in any way insulting women, I am just referring to that I feel like a woman partly b/c I felt like I had become my mom.

Surviving each day is so hard. I feel so alone. God and my partner are basically the only ones who have been there for me. So I am hoping that here I can connect with others and feel less alone.

Has anyone else struggled with similar feelings after abuse by their mother or another woman? I hope I don't just sound crazy.