Anyone else avoid sexual feelings? I do. I avoid it and I'm sick of it. I've never had a proper feeling about it, pre abuse and post abuse.

When I was younger, self sex was a go to self-comforting act for me. Then the abuse added others to my self-comforting acts.This lasted through my mid 20s. Then I realized it felt bad afterwards to have sex with someone and so I ended up in a cycle of avoidance, giving in, retreating, isolating, etc.

Now, I want to be sexual in a healthy way for the first time in my life since I know my sexual past wasn't rooted in health. This is still very frustrating and isolating since its like "who the fuck do I tell what kinds of things I am dealing with in my mid 40's that other men did as boys" besides telling a therapist? I need support but I also need to start taking action.

This is incredibly hard. I don't know about anyone else but I get so sick of trying to hold myself up to the standard of a so-called normal guy in my age bracket. I don't want to feel sorry for myself but I also want to realize the truth. Sometimes, I want to broadcast what I've been through just to explain why I'm not where I think I should be.

This was meandering but its where I'm at.
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed