Hi LAD. Sorry to hear that you're struggling with suicide ideation. I've been through years when my suicide ideation was almost obsessive. These days my life seems a bit more livable, although I do still struggle with depression, hopelessness, anger and often feel emotionally dead and empty on the inside. Those last two probably being my primary states of mind normally. Emotionally dead and empty. I suppose I've gotten really good over the years at not feeling emotions I don't want to feel. God knows I've have A LOT of practice.

I can't say that my suicidal thoughts were normally as elaborate as the last two you listed. Normally I would just fantasize about buying a gun, putting it in my mouth and pulling the fucking trigger. The good old-fashioned way. OD'ing was one that I thought about a lot. I also used to fantasize about slashing my wrists a lot but I never would have had the stomach to actually go through with that one. When I used to cut myself I never even really had the courage to go deeper than the first few layers of skin. Maybe draw a little bit of superficial blood but not more than that. I would rub the razor up and down my wrists sometimes though and just fantasize about gashing it in.

Your mentioning lighting yourself on fire and skydiving without a parachute does resonate with me though. I have told people (half-jokingly) that if I ever killed myself they'd find out when they turned on the evening news and heard that some guy climbed to the top of the Bank of America Tower dressed as Superman, lit himself on fire and jumped off. That way my suicide wouldn't be some boring, run-of-the-mill suicide but one that would be remembered and talked about. Twenty years later, people in this town would still say, "Hey remember the time that dude climbed to the top of the Bank of America Tower dressed as Superman, lit himself on fire and jumped off? That was fucked up!"

Anyway, if I went to a therapist and they asked me what my "goals" were, I think I'd have to ask them "what should they be?" Goals? What are those? Where the fuck does a guy like me find fucking goals in life?

My goals? Here we go... My short-term goals are to get through my work day as quickly as possible tomorrow, run whatever errands I need to run, go to the gym and get home so I can have as much chill time as possible before I need to go to sleep. Oh, and to watch last Sunday's episode of The Walking Dead. I was going to watch it tonight but now it's to late. My goal for the weekend is to find some weed. I haven't smoked up in a few weeks and I want to this weekend. My mid-term goal is to buy Assassin's Creed 3 and beat it. Also Super Mario Galaxy 2 and Bioshock Infinite. My long term goal is to pay off my car. Oh, and to save up enough money to visit my brother in Hawaii. (He's in the Air Force and is going to be stationed there for the next four years).

There, see! I do have goals. Not sure how a therapist is supposed to help me with those though. In fact, I can achieve most of those goals pretty well on my own. That doesn't mean I don't need therapy. It just means I can't think of any "goals" therapy could help me achieve. Part of the reason I've avoided any kind of therapy for so long. Take care. Peace.