I recreated abuse through roleplaying with a stranger again tonight. I've done it a bunch of times. Does that make me a fake? A phony like people on here have talked about? Because I don't remember anything, and even letting the guy pretend again tonight he was molesting me didn't jog my memory. As usual, with ALL of these encounters, I felt nothing. Not even when orgasming. Completely numb and empty orgasm. Shouldn't that have jogged my memory? As it always is, completely pleasureless sexual pleasure. I know that sounds like a contradiction. But I feel nothing but empty during it. Wouldn't a real survivor feel something? Even a little? If something really happened to me? Why am I so obsessed with knowing what it feels/felt like? I feel like I shouldn't come here anymore for that very reason.
I know I was abused. I have a couple of memories around the abuse. I never thought that the CSA was that big an issue for me. I don't have any flashbacks. When triggered it is emotion but I can't connect them to the CSA. Nothing direct. Nothing connected with sex. (so far) I consider myself lucky in this. But I am a real survivor.
I don't need to feel the abuse to know that I am not whole. And I don't believe I need to know it in order to end up where I want to be. I have not started any therapy yet. (trying to get it scheduled) But the discussions that I had with a therapist is that they consider the past but try and focus on the future and what your goal is. And that sounds great for me.
Things started getting really bad for me starting about two years ago. Stresses that brought up a whole lot of shit. My head was messed up. Just over half a year ago I came here. It was hard but it also was helpful. I don't know how much it did for me. But I don't care. I am where I am today and it is not in the dark place I was in before. I don't know how I came out of it, or what had helped me. All I care about is that I am moving forward. I have no desire to dig through my past if I don't need to. I wish more guys here would be spared the pain of thier memories.