To everyone who has taken the time to reply, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Yes – it is hard to hear the truth, and the general consensus is to get out now. It probably sounds crazy given the above post, but I do really love him and I do think HE is special, even though it is evident that he never felt the same way about me. I told him that I hate him, but that is not true, I was just very hurt. I know he is in a lot of pain and I still wish I could hold him and tell him it’s ok (never did any good though).
Am I co-dependent – HELL YES! In writing my post above, seeing it all in writing kinda scared me because it became clear that this really does constitute a form of abuse and/or emotional control.
That is why I have made the decision to leave, because I am afraid for my safety and health. I am so very lucky to not have contracted a disease and that my mental health is still somewhat intact, even though my self-esteem is not. I just made an appointment with a counsellor that specializes in CSA. I have my first appointment in 2 days, feeling a bit nervous. And you are all right, if HE was committed to recovery there would be some hope in staying and that this abusive cycle may come to an end, but unfortunately that isn’t the case.
Still – when you said I was a diamond, that made me cry, and in that moment I realised just how small I had been feeling. No one has a right to steal my shine away.
And Candu, I am tearing up right now because of your kind words, and it makesme want to believe things that I have sadly forgotten about myself.
I have left, without really saying goodbye because that would kill me even more than this is already. It’s doubtful that he cares, I haven’t heard from him since.
I will continue to pray for him every day. A lady I wrote to last year for information on how to help him (while he was in Europe cheating) told me a story about a doctor in a psychiatric word who cured his patients by saying out aloud “I love you and I’m sorry” just to himself, while thinking of a particular patient. But he never did anything directly with the patients, but somehow they all got better! The lady told me that sometimes the best help we can give is from afar. As lame as it sounds (I know it takes a lot of hard work to heal), every day since I heard the story I have been saying “I love you and I’m sorry” and thinking of my survivor.
I LOVE YOU AND I’M SORRY