You are not alone. I, too, was molested/raped by a woman who was, as you suggested, coerced by her husband - not that justifies anything.

It was a long time before I came to realize that it was abuse - as you say, boys are supposed to want it. I didn't want it! It was an on-going thing that kept escalating, going further and further. I felt trapped, dirty, humiliated(I hadn't reached puberty yet. No one ever mentions that, hmm?)betrayed - it was my sister, confused - "isn't this what boys are supposed to want?"

Now, 40 years latter, I'm just a mess! That mess led me down roads I'd have never gone other wise and caused me to do things I have come to regret deeply!

My sexually is all over the place - Why am I attracted to women but want to have sex with men? Why do I spend HOURS looking at porn?

But, worst of all, why don't I feel like a man? I still feel like that little boy - embarrassed, ashamed, inadequate! Everyone sees me as a man, I'm expected to act/perform as a man, but inside I am still an adolescent.

And so, I hide from life. I never loosen up, I never take chances, I am afraid of everything! If something starts going my way, I sabotage it, or quit before fruition. Always day dreaming, I live in a fantasy world. A terrible way to live.

No, you're not alone. Gary
Working hard towards change. first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!