I am a 39 year old male. A classic over achiever, alcoholic and addict. Last year I was contacted by the Discovery Channel concerning myself, one friend who took his life and another friend who is in prison for killing is entire family. What the three of us have in common..... our abuser. I hate that word "abuser". Also I can not stomach "survivor" or "molestation".

Since speaking with the investigative reporter my life has spiraled out of control. The alcohol and drugs even turned against me and began to amplify the chaotic emotions that shake my inner core. I have lost everything; both businesses, my cars, my homes, lots of friends, some of my family and almost my own life.

I have been sober since December 25, 2012. I even completed treatment in Serenity Park. I have found a home group and obtained a sponsor but even given all this........ I am emotionally sick! Nightmares are back, smells and sounds trigger memories and what makes me SCREAM on the inside..... I miss the affection of the man who violently raped me but also compassionately loved me from 8 to 14.

GOD!!!! THAT ONE SENTENCE ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO DRINK AND USE. I dont know if I am straight or gay. I have had sex with both women and men. When missing "him" consumes me with loneliness I need the embrace of a man make me feel whole. I cant even masturbate without thinking of an older man lovingly touching me.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?? The agony of my misery is over whelming. I know that death is not my only answer but I have no other one to lean on. Asking for help is not my forte but I am BEGGING for something. I just do not know what that is any longer.
As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I have found it difficult to learn to live with "feelings". I am still very emotionally "sick". So I am left with the question, "Now what". I can deal with the vicious cycle of being raped then loved but it is the fall out from the past that hurts me today.