Identify straight and there are times where I definitely know I am, but there are times where I'm very confused. I've tried exploring my sexuality but it seems to me that its tainted by CSA and religious beliefs.
I say tainted because when I'm alone at night, I really want to have sex with my two best male friends. But all, I really want is to be loved and accepted. When I'm with them, I really have no desire to sleep with them. But every once in a while an intrusive thought will pop into my head, and my life collapses because I don't want them, but I do.
I confessed my same sex attraction one time to one of them. He was very supportive of me and my struggles. He has been a great supporter when I needed someone to talk to about the crazy thoughts that go through my head. It's just.... He's a friend and nothing more. Yet, we have shared some experiences that question the healthiness of my relationship with him. I gave him a massage and it wound up going else where. Mainly for me... There was no reciprocation on his part. There have been two instances where he has kissed me. One, when I was having flashbacks at his house while dealing with a very triggering ex-girlfriend of his and it was on the cheek. The other, at the direction of a mutual friend during a game of truth or dare. Also on the cheek.
I guess I find this confusing and conflicting because of my own issues. I know I love him as a brother and I know I can be intimate with him about really anything, but... I don't love him like a husband or wife might. It scares the living day lights out of me. What if I act on the urges that I don't particularly like or want. How do I stop it?
The other... Thinks anything that isn't straight is wrong. Again, intrusive thoughts that can never definitely happen. I butt heads with him a lot, and I love him like a brother. I went to touch him the other day and I got snapped at. I was trying to act out on an urge... And it was mainly about control. This is true of my other friend.
I feel like I'm out of control, I do things to reassert my control... I'm just not okay with things like this. I feel like its ruining healthy relationships because I have really unhealthy boundaries.
Meanwhile, I have a lady friend who I adore. Several of them actually but I can't tell them how I feel and wind up missing opportunities. I can be a smooth operator with them when I want to be, but I try... Then decide I don't want too. Again, I don't want to give up control (I think).
I really feel crazy because I have all these emotions, feelings, thoughts, and memories running in my head. I can never turn it off. I recently told my friend who I had things go a bit far that I'm swearing off everything so I can relearn healthy boundaries and relationships. Encouraging as always. Said he was there for me anytime I needed to talk but I told him I'd feel guilty telling him everything I was going through because it was a lot to bear. That and I'm pretty sure saying "hey, I may or may not want to ravish you because of abuse issues" will make that friendship more than a little rocky since I'm not even allowed to mention what happened to us because that stays between us. It's a burden that I really can't bear.
I talk to other like aged people (24 cause that's how old I am) and they already have a functioning healthy sexuality and know what they want but I'm so confused on what I want or don't want and what is and what isn't abuse issues that I can hardly focus on that aspect of my life. I really feel isolated when it comes to this because there is no one around me who can possibly understand what I'm going through. And because of that, I don't talk about any of this.... Well, at least, until now. I really don't know how you're going to respond to this and I'm half way tempted to not post it but I made myself a promise, and I at least have to try