Cheers lads! Its good to have a safe place and support for this stuff. much appreciated.
Ever talk with her about her memories of the abuse? That, to me, is a starting point. See how she responds. If positive, share a little more. If not - which really sucks because she's your sister, after all - you've an indication of how far you can go on disclosure.
Yeah, have talked to her about the physical abuse we went through, and for her it brings back memories of being beaten in the back of the car outside primary school, which definitely explains her anxiety the other day. it must have been a very strong trigger and generated lots of worry.
Disclosing my sexual abuse to her is something I don't know how to deal with. I have been told in confidence, not by her (she is unaware I know), that she also was sexually abused from outside the family. When I heard this my heart sunk, and the palpitations began. My abuse memories are patchy at best, but I know my sexual abuse was not incestuous. That doesn't stop the what if scenarios playing out in my head. I mean. Both siblings carrying the secret of sexual abuse, an abusive father... could he be responsible?... could she be responsible? I know this is just my irrational side trying to trip me up. It is unwelcome and unnecessary worry.
I did not see were you were working with a T, I assume you have at some time. Perhaps you need to discuss this with them, I did and after time It helped.
Yeah I have been talking with my T about this, its slow progress but I think it is helping.
Some of it stems from memories or worrying about how others viewed me but most of all I remember experiencing extreme fear of "going insane" and hurting a child.
Worrying about how others view me has always, even before I uncovered my memories, been difficult. I can definitely relate to the "going insane" feeling.
i am hearing you say your father is a major trigger when present. I do want to say this: you are not him.
Its an unbearable thought that maybe I am capable of his behavior! I'd love to start a family (sometime) and this is something I need to remember. Thank you Publius, I needed to hear that.
Take it easy