He dropped a bomb last night. Out of the blue he texted me saying "what if I can't do the whole marriage and kids thing?"
It surprised me and now I have all these questions. I always thought he wanted to get married and have kids someday. Either he hasn't been completely honest or he has changed his mind for some reason. I met him on an online dating site and one of the things he has written in his profile is that he wants to marry his best friend someday. He always talks about not wanting to be alone. He has occasionally said that he thinks that maybe he is supposed to be single, but it always seemed to come from a place of him feeling like no one would ever want to be with him. He has also said that he's not sure he could handle having a son because he is worried that it might bring back memories of his childhood, but he said he wanted a daughter.
I just don't know what to make of his seeming change of heart. I know marriage and kids aren't everyone's cup of tea and some people prefer to pursue other life goals. But he really seemed to want it; a part of me really thinks he still does. I told him it's his choice and asked him if that's really what he wanted. He said he didn't think he could handle it. I told him he wouldn't have to handle it alone and he said he just has so many trust issues.
He asked me if I would still be interested in being with him if he couldn't handle getting married. I had to be honest. I told him that I still cared about him deeply and had strong feelings for him, but I didn't think I could be with someone knowing that marriage wasn't an option. I've always had a very deep longing to get married and have kids someday. Our life goals wouldn't be the same anymore. All he hears from that is that I don't want to be with him which really isn't true. I would love to be with him, but logically it wouldn't work if one of us wants to start a family and the other doesn't.
Towards the end of our conversation he said that it wasn't the having kids thing that bothered him, but the marriage thing that scared him. But I have a hard time understanding that too. I know plenty of people have kids without getting married, but even so you are attaching yourself to that person in so far as you both share some parenting responsibilities.
I've sort of learned by now not to get my hopes up about anything more happening between us. He just seems to go back and forth so much and I never quite know what to expect. I try really hard to understand and I really want to be there to support him, but there is only so much I can do.
And I have to say that I really feel a lot of rage towards the person who did this to him. He really is a good man and he deserves so much better. He deserves to be happy.