Ok after some time being here and lurking around I've decided to put some my thoughts and problems on public board related to this scary thing called sex, lol.
I just want to put off some my thoughts and to see if and what would happen. I've been stuck at same place for too long so there is nothing that I could lose...
Why in sexual identity issues forum?
Well I have many problems relating intimacy and sex and one is that I don't have any clue about my orientation (this is big question) nor attractions (here there are too many options open, lol). I'll explain it more further.
Not sure if you all know but I've been stopped in some strange place almost since puberty and it seems that any move from there is not possible at all.
I've been introduced to sexual matters very early (6 year old boy) by other boys and I did learn all what is possible to learn about male to male sex with own twin brother later.
Although I didn't see some of those experiences as abuse in terms of violence involved certainly it impacted me very negatively and I was aware since beginning that some problems are in front of me.
With such past I have to admit that I've been very closed and terrible hard to reach by people around me if they would ask for some intimacy.
Actually it seems that in sexual terms I turned to myself and masturbation as safe and controlled output of my sexual energy and I'm not able to leave that spot nor to reach to others.
Nevertheless, I've had couple of girlfriends and I'm more than prone to lost my self completely when I'm in love but with such development my fear of intimacy, my very fragile trust and all other issues would arise till I would be basically almost like frozen and not capable to get close.
After I have experienced sex with my own brother I've constantly fought with some fantasies on male sex and felt totally confused. In any term I've always felt like attracted to girls and I would always dream on having wife or female partner. Males I've seen only as some possibility for sex without any attachment or intimacy. I've never considered myself as someone who could be attracted in romantically way with other man.
To tell all true I've been scared like hell if I would see that some man would look on me like they are attracted.
I've had one experience during medical check when technician that handled me was looking on me (with some interest) while laying half naked; my pulse and blood pressure went high above average and I couldn't get calmer. And I don't like any attention to my appearance even on street or some other public place.
Related to porn and masturbation I could be aroused by any porn available no matter if it is straight or gay, sometimes I would start with one type of porn and finish with another. More often I would have fantasies on gay scenes and watching gay porn but for example last couple of weeks here and there I was caught again with straight porn.
What struck me lately is fact that I've been rarely attracted sexually to some real life person, it happened only couple of times and I can remember it. I'm more than sure that I've been hyper-sexual as I'm ashamed to admit how many times I'm capable to masturbate or have some fantasies on sex during one day. I must add that my libido is almost unchanged since my puberty and I'm a little bit worried there, lol.
When I'm in love than I can be aroused or felt like wanted to be touched in intimate manner and that happened only with girls, however in all those cases I needed to know very well those girls just to think on something more than kiss, it was like I needed to get to know them more to feel secure enough. Somehow my trust is very fragile and very important factor in all that.
I've had girlfriend couple years ago when I felt frustrated with myself and with fact that I've been lonely, I can say that she caught me like in trap and in relationship.
She was virgin, terrible religious and from family with PTSD father who was verbally abusive as I've found.
On couple of occasions I liked the fact that she felt very attracted to me but at the other side she showed almost abusive type of personality and that made me sure that I wouldn't cross the line with her.
For example she would blocked exit couple of times while I was in bathroom and came closer demanding and wanting to be touched. At one point she didn't allow me to get out nor to have some air as she was kissing me you know almost taking all my breath, lol. In some moment I would get close to panic felt totally in her control, out of air and without any option for maneuver so I would bring her out of my way with all my force just to get some space and air. I've felt totally exhausted and like in trap and not interested for any fun. It was like nightmare for me.
Once we were staying in hostel on some trip and sharing room with other people there. We came during the day and after some exhausting traveling we went to bed to get some rest. Well to my surprise she got exited in her sleep and suddenly she was all over me in totally compulsive way. I tried everything to stay quiet and to avoid going too far. Those were the longest minutes in my life. I felt almost like abused and frozen under the reach of other people in same room and her over me, I've felt like in trap exactly like I was kid and I was asking myself how I got in such situation. I hated myself as that happened to me. To make story short we have had terrible fights as she was more than demanding and very possessive and I broke when I lost my nervous and felt like any open dialog is not possible.
To get back to present moment. Nothing changed in me since than. I'm still like frozen and not at all sure to whom I've been attracted in real life. I still have same fantasies and I still watch occasionally gay porn that relates to my experience. I'm still scared of any possibility of man to touch me and I'm still confused like hell.
Well to be honest I don't expect that some of those things change at all, but it would be nice if I could be more relaxed and sometimes in future enjoying some sex as all other living beings.
I'm sure that part of all this blockade I've made. I can remember when I was kid how mercifully I was hard on myself. Sometimes I talked to myself like I would never have any partner if turns to be that I'm gay. I was grown in terrible traditional society where gay lifestyle is seen as taboo.
And part of me even as kid has adopted such cultural values and such terrible strict moral. I didn't do it on purpose it just happen like that. Shame that I've felt was huge, sometimes I heard inner voice that was (and still is sometimes) terrible hard and strict seeing only the worst in me.
So now I'm at point that I'm looking to separate myself from such viewpoint. I want to be free and supportive not judgmental and harsh.
I want to be exactly like I would be toward own child who was involved into sexual matter too early.
Under same situation I would own child take in my arms, I would tell that there is nothing to be ashamed off, I would tell that there is no need to be scared off own fantasies and thoughts, I would try to be as supportive as possible.
Those are things that I needed badly to get from my parents and that I never got as I wasn't felt sure to talk about my inner struggles. My mother no matter how much loved me was terrible harsh when caught me masturbating, I couldn't be free in front of her or my father and I've felt alone and on my own for so long. Now after so many years I feel need to give myself all those things that I needed and couldn't get.
I hope I'll find way to get there and I hope I won't needed next thirty years for that, lol
Thanks for reading!