thanks much new ground.

The "special hell" is the world I live in. My body seems so used to it. It resists the struggle but each day I have decided to ground, shall we say.

So I spoke to my Mom and then my MOMC today. Neither of these were easy, in their own way. I actually find it easier to begin to talk to my Mom because she has become used to my rants and raves. Only once has she said it was too much. Talking to my MOMC is another story. Although it went well, I was in great fear leading up to it.

This brings me to the shame again. When I am alone in the "special hell" it often feels easier to imagine myself a woman. I think this goes way, way, way back for me. If I look at pictures, especially those with my brother alongside me, I am making faces like a woman. It hurts me in my head to recall this.

I don't mean in my mind. I literally mean my skull. My mother especially liked to stroke my neck. And it is my neck that feels like a big gross mucousy thing, and never mine.

I have never actually disclosed this female side to my MOMC, although I keep intimating that it is there. I also acted in a musical as a guy who had this kind of identity problem and she saw it.

Today at the gym I saw the boy in me for a few short moments. He was looking back from the mirror and he was in a man's body. I'm hoping to see him again.

I know the female I made inside me was there to protect me growing up. The she in me didn't want the boy to experience the pain. Now I want to let something new happen. It's a slow process and I'm trying to keep it open to what is needed.

Needless to say, it really helps to hear from men. At some point I seemed to accept a belief that they couldn't be trusted. This of course obscured what was actually happening between my Mom and I.

Thanks again for helping me keep a life thread alive.
Lose the drama; life is a poem.