I', struggling the most with things like; being comfortable in my own body, practicing the suggested breathing exercises, concentrating. I am figuring things out about how I handled the abuse and its effects on my life, decisions, consequences, choices. It is revealing, scary and inspires/motivates me. It explains things conclusively that I could never think about or explain to myself before; from the abuse, feelings (sometimes very illogical)about situations, people, relationships I have had, their dynamic. I have figured out that much of what has happened in terms of relationships has much to do with me not knowing how to exercise my real choice in matters like who I would spend time with and where/what my living situation would be. There seems to be a way to resolve many of these things that have bothered me for my entire life. Nothing more than not being able to order my life a bit like I want it, and choosing people who will take advantage of me the way I was before-not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically. I also have had some very interesting thoughts on things like anger; I remember figuring out that I didn't need to fight out in the street anymore, that I could rely on more of me than that. Going through all abuse CSA, ASA and the psychological/emotional/physical abuse as an child/adult took that away from me. What has disgusted and saddened me the most in this was that overwhelming feeling of rage and confusion over the fact that I had tried to have exactly the opposite life I experienced but ended up being on the receiving end of the same kind of feelings (some of them terrifying, unexplained, confusing) situations, and consequences was and has been crushing.
It's very hard to know exactly what to do with all this, all at once. I thought I had come far before, but this has been more than I bargained for in some ways. I am trying to look at this in way that allows ME to deal with it all in my own way, in a way that is good for me and helps me make progress. This is difficult but I can see the benefit to going through the pain, with some tools and motivation, help of pro, other tools I learned along the way and making it count. I didn't see that as a possibility before.
I don't know if I should be posting this, but I am. I didn't post for some time because I knew I was being a PITA and wanted to get to my own place with it. If this post is inappropriate or whatever, please let me know. Thanks again for being here.
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski