I'm sure-or I am hoping that there are some people here that can understand what I'm writing here. After a year's work with a therapist at the VA, a great deal of personal introspection/work/spiritual stuff and some kind of strange combination of circumstance; I find myself experiencing intense parts of past abuse, sometimes without all the details. There have been strange reactions and avoidance of things in the past, things that I could never logically figure out and my mind literally fled from. I have read a great deal about the experiences of others and all of this combined to start a disjointed, terrifying process of putting together; things, events, conclusions about life/people that have bothered me for my entire life. This is strange because while it is very difficult to go through, experience, it has also brought a sense of relief. It's like I didn't want to believe something like this about people, but specifically these people. It has caused a radical change in me somehow. Things I struggled with no longer concern me. An example would be; I have always struggled as to whether maintain any contact with my family or not. What I have learned, experienced, and concluded that it is not in my best interest to maintain that contact now. It is apparent to me that I have struggled with this issue before, went to family (or attempted to) and this has less than positive, if not drastic results for me. I am just writing a bunch of stuff here right off the top of my head. I have also figured out that I needed to tell people that know me and allow those people to be loyal, be my friends, etc., something I had never done before. This has been a powerful, worthwhile 'process' these last few weeks. I thought it would destroy me. I appreciate people putting up with me. I wish I had a therapist to talk to about this stuff now, but I have been writing and talking to old friends. It was so good to tell people that actually mattered to me, that I could trust. None of those people were left in my life after what I had been through. That alone has been a huge boost to me over the last few days. I have also read things in comments and in articles that were impossible for me to ignore and forced me to confront very difficult things. I am grateful and have a lot of work to do. The best part is that I finally figured out (again) that it really is ok to be vulnerable, I just picked the wrong people and that was something I learned, was taught. I can unlearn that from what I hear. The worst part is that my guilt over 'what it meant', the complete horror/terror, and taught/enforced/learned family processes were what kept me from dealing with it. In the end though, the guilt over something that I never really had any control over (except who I chose to spend my life with) was the very thing that kept me a prisoner, the perps living at my expense-blaming my acting out on me, not their behavior, punishing me for it- and kept it such a powerful negative force in my life. The simplicity of it all is baffling after all this pain. I learned getting sober that I needed to learn to forgive myself, and this completes my incomplete picture of why I could not do that. Changing my attitude and literally the things I tell myself has proven to be incredibly challenging and difficult, but worthwhile. While feeling battered and confused, I also feel some relief and hope. The physical pain/feelings are horrible and I cannot sleep for long. I wake up sweaty, hurting, confused-feels like I've been beaten. Sometimes I wake with as little as physical pain/feelings, terror and minimal (somehow more terrifying because they are that way) visual flashes. I keep throwing up, my appetite is very reduced and I have to find ways to eat sometimes. I'm glad I can say these things here and people will understand. Thank you, I'm grateful.
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski