Drummer - I am sorry that you too have this burden to share. I am glad that we both have a site like this where we can find that we're not alone.
As I read your introduction my heart felt pangs of hurt and deep understanding. Yeah, it's hard as hell to wrap your mind around being the victim, but you were! You being here will take on different meanings and feelings as you progress through every ounce of your soul you travel through.
I was 50 when my body started to rebell with all the burying of memories and trigger that happen. The years of just going through the motion, doing what was right, but realizing at the same time, something was not right.
You'll probably go through a period of "understanding" things you've done or what you did this or that. You'll also may find yourself at a point of, what I've termed, "near depravation" in when the healing starts and you are progressing, you'll look back and see how far down the rabbit hole you were and how far you still have to go before you feel safe and in control (in a healthy manner). Answers to those situations will come in their own time and when you are ready to deal with them.
You also need to admit that part of the journey, along with being the victim, is that you are surviving, albeit, not the way you envisioned, but you did survive. And, your journey, it's not the past that will determine your future, but what will do and are doing, that will determine your future.
Like you, I am married, and have two young adult children. My wife, who is an incredible woman, could speak volumns about our strained marriage and how she was able to help me, sometimes only in praying, make it through until tomorrow. My son and daugther both know of my past abuse and surviving. It was kinda hard to admit it to them when there was no explanation to the physical manifestations than the abuse. They loved me, just the same, as I am sure your boys when they find out, they will love you just the same. They will feel a sense of hypervigilance in making you feel you can be the dad, the way you want to be (they probably already think that you are already).
You wrote that you're gonna go as far as you can go and then stop. I hope that you understand, that it's certainly okay and normal that you never will lose the steam and sometimes the best you can do is to take the breaks when needed. Oh, it's also important that it's okay for you to say that the best you can do is forgive just for today! triggers "will" happen, especially as you become "aware" and you'll feel like one step forward and so many steps back. That's okay! Talk to your counselor, if you don't have one, get one! one that has experience in helping you with what your feeling. As a husband, I've found it helpful to let my wife, know what I'm dealing with. In the past, she's felt helpless, but talking to her as helped me and has helped her feel that she's be part of the solution.
You are a blessed man and I wish you the best. I've written this, I guess, as an older man offering kindly advice to a younger man who sounds like they've walked a very similar path.
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.