Fear-every day
Anger-every day, almost constant
unarticulatable Rage-often
loss of support-family full of high functioning, highly self/group protective abusers and fascilitators
Disgust-Total, with everything-people, cops, myself, VA, other mental health folks, friends, family
Self Blame-the only logical conclusion; society says, the VA says, my own mother said same.
I'm clearly the one with the problem
I do not think I can come back from this. I am giving things away, trying to get the rescue to take my dog back. What's going around in my head will not stop, there is no help or empathy, there is just what I have now. This is not living, there is nothing in my life that was promised to me, no one. I did all the right things, supposedly. Overcame many challenges, served, college, back in military, got great job. Apparently people like me don't get those things. What I get is totally used; $, sex, etc. No matter how hard I've tried in life, I have always lost, in spite of going to great lengths and expending great energy. When I think about how I have spent my energy and what it has gotten me, now where I sit here typing, it makes me want to take my own life. I constantly think about what it would be like to just not be here, not have to consider or worry about this, feel the fear, anger, rage, disgust. I'm very tired. I've been fighting this fight my whole life, I can't get away. I could never just give in and be what they wanted me to be, I'm not like that. I have no place, no hope, nothing. This is literally killing me. What I've found is that I am expendable.
"what matters most is how well you walk through the fire"
-Charles Bukowski