Clarification on the original rant and money:
The rant and my current crisis is not about money. Its about the fact that I am being scorned by many around me as "not being fixed yet."
The thing is; no one noticed that i dragged myself out of the black evil muck of hell and fought my way into the world of the normals. For fuk sake, it took me 5 years to get through high school. I'm saying I DID crawl up and out and i DID make it!
I was fully on my own from the moment i was born. my mother was in a wheelchair, i was raised by hired help. My father did/does not believe in emotion re raising children. he drank and was a massively violent drunk that in and of itself has me fked to the max.
I crawled out. I crawled up. I learned from and emulated the normals. I targeted a lifestyle that I saw around me during my childhood and wanted to experience it without psychotic horror... To not blow my brains out, I drugged and drank. But I made it....ONCE. I made it already, then it was ALL shredded.
Its not the money! Its that I'm being told to "stand the fk up" and "man-up." Trouble is, I'm used up. People CAN actually be defeated. I know its oh-so fashionable in America today to never say "never," to think you can always improve yourself...there's always healing. I'm sorry to inform some...sometimes the bullets of life just fk you up too much to fix. Sometimes the patient just dies on the ER table.
But PLEASE dont piggeon-hole me into a rich-prick whining about my BMer and boats. Everything is gone. I just wanted to reach that life...and I did...and now its gone. I just got my 600sq ft rented shit hole filled back up with propane. In less than 26 days, it went through $501 worth of propane, I have to decide, food, or propane.....Efexor, Abilify, Klonopin, Metoperal,Divlaproex, Albuterol....or propane.
Lose the key fob and the country-club clothes? I own one pair of sneakers and they are falling the fk apart cuz they are 2.5 years old. I don't OWN a car. I borrow one.
I mentioned that I've given so many cars to unwed mothers you'd never be able to count them. i DID give back to society. High-income brings massive resentment I guess. Fkg SOUP KITCHEN? I bought an entire kitchen for a retreat house for missionaries. I have NOTHING now and yet I just paid $45 for stamps to circulate the Child Safety Zone petition. I can't afford $45...I need shoes that don't show my shitty socks.
I know people love to see the seemingly successful fail and fall. But I had to climb the pole with no help and Hell nestled in my head.
I've been placed where I belong. And its NOT with the normals and their shit.
Normals say unto me: "dude....get over it!" "Dude...it was a long time ago." "When are you gonna git back up on that horse?"
And 20 times a minute I think "dude...wouldn't a speeding train be SO fkg sweet right now!"