I'm still early in my CSA recovery. I'm so grateful for the help I've received from others going through similar experiences. I knew the stats on MSA, but somehow I still thought I was the only one. Sometimes, the truths that have emerged because of the help of my T and my MS friends, and the emotions I experience have been tough to take. It's only with the help of some really good friends on this site that I've made it. I'm started to make connections between behaviors I exhibit and the abuse I suffered. I was foolish to think I had buried the experience, for it was showing every day, but I was too blind to see it. I've always had a problem standing up for myself. As a result people walk all over me, and I just let them. It's been happening for years and I'm still haunted by episodes that happened 20 and 30 years ago. These aren't even instances of CSA. I know it happens, but I feel I deserve it, and I don't know how to stop it. My thought is if I defer to the other person, I won't make a scene, the other person will be happy and he/she will like me. What compounds the problem is that I'm a tall guy and have been described as good looking. People notice me and so I just can't disappear into a crowd, although that is my instinctive reaction. Friends, colleagues, and family notice it happening and ask me why I don't stick up for myself. The answer is I can't, I don't know how, but I dare not say that. I just stand there afraid to say anything. They give me advice on what I should've said and done, but by then it's too late. When things like that happen, I revert back to being a kid and I act the part of that kid being unable to defend himself against being held down and fondled. When I get figuratively beaten down, I replay the incident in my head over and over again, and I picture myself being strong and forceful. This doesn't help because at the next incident, I wilt once again.
I'm asking for input and advice. I hate myself for being like this. And when I hate myself, I just send myself back to the cycle of destructive behavior. I would appreciate any help you can give. Thanks, Davo