I've spent my life thinking well if I was gay it'd make the pleasure fact okay (which I know is not true) or if I was a woman that would somehow make the pleasure fact okay.
This is the dilemma that can't be reconciled. If. If.
You have I think not identified as gay
So that leaves your with one alternative if only in a symbolic mechiniziams.
This is not a right or wrong this is a clue.
Why are you in the original dilemma?
These mechiniziams saved me and I would venture to say hav saved many of us here.