I logically understand that the desire is to try to justify the pleasure of the abuse-it's just hard to shake.

I've spent my life thinking well if I was gay it'd make the pleasure fact okay (which I know is not true) or if I was a woman that would somehow make the pleasure fact okay.

I experimented with crossdressing a bit when I was married and oddly enough when I was dressed in some feminime fashion I never experienced the desires...like somehow in my mind dressing up completely quelched my subconscious...after my marriage ended I blocked that-got rid of all the clothes and never looked back. After opening up here and to a close friend I went and bought a few items and it's the only thing that's seemed to stop the compulsion....how messed up am I ugh