Welcome here and thank you for sharing. You say so much of what so many of us here feel, it is not always easy to put your feelings into words, you did a good job of this my friend!
"...and anything else that would help me keep up my wall." I hope that one day you will stand on the ruins of that wall with your fists victoriously in the air.
Well done on taking the first big steps.
When there are dolphins in the waves,
the sharks wont get to us.
I believed my dad that day
and became Dolphinboy,
my own protector.