so sorry, billray.
i sense your pain and i have no answers.
but i thought it might help a tiny bit just to know you are heard.
it can get lonely at this time when there aren't as many guys around. i am in a different time zone - 12 hours off of EST - so am often up when others aren't. send me a PM any time if you feel like it.
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"