I'm certain that will be the easiest word I write tonight.
I'm new here and am amazed that I had the strength and courage to actually sign up. REALLY amazed! I'm so frightened, I can't even describe! I'm not really clear on why I'm so scared and shaking, but I am. My wife, mother, sister and therapist are the only people beyond the perpetrator that know of what happened to the insecure, vulnerable 13-ish year old boy a bit less than 40 years ago. I'm taking this step now because I know I must get this hell out of me before it kills me. I've been in therapy since a year ago last November and there's so much of me that's still internalizing and running like hell as far away from this as I can get. From what? I'm not sure.
I'm 51, married with two teenage boys. I have lived the past ~38 years pretty much in a 'going through the motions' state and not really living life at all. My marriage is suffering, my relationship with my sons is far from what it could be and, as I look back on who I've been, it's an unfeeling blur, splattered with alcohol and anything else that would help me keep up my wall. The hardest thing I've tried to get straight in my head is the bit about me being the victim. I know all the truth about that, but it has still been tough. But, anytime I look at a picture of me as a teen or think of the innocence I had that was ripped away from me, I can firmly see that I was the victim.
GOD HOW I CAN ANYONE CRY THIS MUCH AND STILL HAVE TEARS???
I have no idea what I want to say but I can tell you this is one hell of a hurdle I'm leaping here.
I'm so angry, yet thankful, that there are more out there like me. For all of my adult life, I've been alone in the midst of crowds. I can't seem to express the love that I have for my wife and sons. I've always provided for them and took care of their needs ... but not so much in the 'showing it' area.I look at them, hug them, talk with them and I know that I love them, at least to the best of my understanding of what love is; what I wouldn't give to be able to give, and receive, the gift of expressing love that so many seem to have. I have great difficulty touching others, getting close. I feel almost soulless most of the time. I can have friendships with coworkers but I can't seem to really care about them yet I allow myself to be hurt, badly, if I'm rejected by them, whether that rejection is real or imagined.
I used to wonder why I loved Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' SO much as a young adult ... "Tear down the wall!"
I'm sorry if this is all disjointed, I'm writing as fast as I can and trying to grab the thoughts that hit and get them typed before they blow away in the breeze, or worse, I freak and chicken out. I do that last one a lot, it seems.
I promised myself I'd stop when I ran out of steam instead of trying to force this any further. I've read a good number of posts here and it feels like this is a safe and comforting environment ... how strange that that scares me ... thank you all for listening.
Since, my friend, you have revealed your deepest fear
I sentence you to be exposed before your peers
Tear down the wall!
"The Trial" from Pink Floyd's "The Wall"