Hi I am brand new here and just read your stuff - Really good for me to hear those thoughts as I have had them most of my life _ i was 11 -13 when it first happened for me by a much older man and yes i was excited! I now know that this was abuse and he cared nothing at all for me. I beleive that the struggles and acting out I live with now are as a result of that.(years of therapy he!he! ) Don't want to say more just now but want to wish u well and to say thanks for saying it out loud !! might give me some courage .