What you are describing is from the abuse.
It's can feel like self betrayal to have and give into the thoughts and drives.
The trauma is buried deep so we can go on with life, but what we could not recinocile then is still trying to be delt with. Because the trauma was fused with our sexual wiring, it works its way to the surface and feals like our minds and bodys want this. Or if we give in it will go away and stop the torment. Like was stated above. Feeding this by acting on it makes it worse. This is the addiction.
In the addiction work you learn why this is triggered in you and how to exit the cycle.
A big key is to for give your self as offten and as soon as posable. You did not ask for this. This outcropping is from the traumas you went through. Help your self by getting the help you need. It gets way better in time.
I don't act out today and I am free of the demanding urges. Thoughts still cross my mind and I have many things and feeling I am working on. But it's like you get your life back when you free of the addiction cycle.
I rember the pain and the hell. I have a whole tool box on how to deal with the addiction and you will as well. But for now I leave you with this,
"Opt for the path of least Damage to your self.
We are men, and we have a God given, natural sex drive.
When this drive is hijacked by Trauma,
We are pushed to Act Out of the trauma sexually.
If I became stressed (one of my triggers)
I would start in to the addiction process.
I learned to stay with the pain of the original stress when posable. (Asked my self "what am I realy feeling?)
If I fell in to makeing the pain goaway, I popped in an image for an instant high.
The high from this image made me think that's what I wanted. It's the biggest high so that must mean....
Porn, fanticy, sexulised thinking, self stimulation, the theme, I tryed like hell to resist, always came to some version of what happen to me when I was sexualy abused.
So the opt for the least damage was something that I discovered. I could short the addiction cycle and recieve less damage if I skipped the pron and the fanticy alow myself to mb, self release and for give myself in the process. I learned that I could some times switch the fanticy to a more appealing one. But allowed my self the sexual releace that would eventually happen any way. But often with out all the build up and wasted time. I still felt bad after words but I told my self that it was ok and I was going to be ok. That I was worthy of love and that I would help my self get better.
As this point I could offten journal and begin to feel the confusion of the abuse. This was a much better use of time.
Protect yourself from shame and more damage.
Releace and resolution. That's the path
Don't forget all the stuff that's going well for you!
I hope you the best,
Edited by SmartShadow (02/13/13 12:39 PM)
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.