Hay still,

That's what I took away from you first post. That you are very angry. At the world, your self. All of it. I don't think that's vm, I think you are realy angry. Have you ever grieved the loss? I mean it sound like you drove your self to "over come"
And that has brought you wealth. But what have you lost in the process?
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.