My therapist asked me this question this morning. What I really want is to be able to act with spontineaity. Whene my granddaughter sits on my lap, and I read to her, Making different character voices, I want to be able to be in the experience. What I do now is enter the role of grandfather, I play the role well, and I don't think my granddaughter knows the difference, but I do. I want an intimate partner who wants to enjoy sex with me. I want to stop being afraid that I am vulnerable. It is a fact, I am vulnerable, it always was a fact, and I will live with it. I do not have a choice, but I still think I can be safe by not being vulnerable.
It is a delusion. I don't just have to know it is a delusion, but that I can permit myself to act without trying to defend against my vulnerability. Don't get me wrong, I know I need defenses against danger, but not against myself.
Thank you all.