Hay A7, thanks for being so honest and real.

Originally Posted By: A74
Let me just say that I am transgender and bi sexual what a combo

Well I deal with both of these as well and I have come to the conclusion that I was not born this way. I have been able to go back and remember circumstances and direct decision that I made. Choices so to speak. But no real chose about it. I hated men and was not going to be like them. I beleaved that the female failed there roll to recieve the male needs and there anger was turned on me because of this. I believed that I could do the female role better. This was a fully developed thought by age 5. and suportive traumatic memories towards this as early as 2. I later I found out that my mother desperately wanted a girl and my gender was a disappointment to her. She in some ways rased me like I was a girl. Encouraging the feminine and the sensual.

Through understanding and reconnecting with my self as male. I have released the gender rejection and wanting to be female, and now love being male. I think by the time my sexual circuits were turning on, years ago I was well off track. Through some same sex stuff at 9 and raped/molested at 14, I have a hard time believing I was pre wired this way. Too many connections suggesting that it happened for me in development a long the way. I have the reality of same sex desires, and this may well continue to drift in to the back ground as I continue to work on the csa trauma dynamics. They are mostly stress triggered for me at this point.

Why does it matter? I think for me the longings, desires and passion were so pervasive that I could not do nothing. I had to come to terms with is this who I realy am. Turns out its not who I was created to be. Lots of pain and confusion I know, but honor your self and love you self. If I came to the conclusion that this is who I am and who I want to be I would have loved and honored my self. This is the key! Any thing that is humiliating or self betraying is not love.

We live in a world that is often hostile to homosexuality in any form for any reason. Or one that demands that we label our self and not deviate. But I think we are becoming more informed and in time we will see that homosexuality comes in many forms for many reasons and that some homosexuality may be because of damage in one form or another that can be healed if desired and other forms are a presence of personhood that should be honored.

I can say that at times I did not know who I was. I allowed my self to feel in full what was comming to the sreface in my mind and hart. I spent a lot of time thinking about the reality of a sex change operation, I thought it could be a solution to my dilemma. For me the questions why do I feel this way or why do I long for this helped me began a search for answers. Even after I found an answer or two the fealing persisted. As more and more of the puzzle came togeather I was able to work through a second set of fealing and that's when a lot of this faded away. This second set of feelings were about the fear I had of men starting at a young age. Learning that wasn't all men all the time and forgiving them for what they did to me and others. I abandon my male gender because of the unacceptable idea of being like them. So I realized that I was wrong in my rejection of the male nature in totality. That it was selfishness and evil that I needed to reject instead. I came to understand that I had wronged myself by my young reaction and needed to learn to love my self. Learn to love the male body that I was in and forgive my self for rejecting this part of me. I am still walking this out in some ways, but for me, I am recovering what was taken. I was in some ways my own perp, in that I have taken much from my self in the name of survival and my self right. And I am sorry for that.

Hope you find the truth you are seeking!

Edited by SmartShadow (02/17/13 12:55 AM)
Just because it's complicated doesn't mean we can't figure it out.