hi, Benthebeaver!
and welcome!

you are not alone. that is the beauty of this place - it is a community of other guys who understand what you are going through. it is good that you have reached out like this. continue to ask questions, express your thoughts and feelings and tell more of your story as you are able. i'm sure you will find an amazing amount of support, encouragement and info here - as i have.

see you around,
"My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind, but as I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." Brennan Manning, "All is Grace - A Ragamuffin Memoir"