hi, Benthebeaver!
and welcome!

you are not alone. that is the beauty of this place - it is a community of other guys who understand what you are going through. it is good that you have reached out like this. continue to ask questions, express your thoughts and feelings and tell more of your story as you are able. i'm sure you will find an amazing amount of support, encouragement and info here - as i have.

see you around,
Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3