I think really in my heart I want to pretend it never happened, like go back to the way I was a couple of years ago where everything seemed fine and it didn't really bother me. Apparently that's bad and unhealthy. But it worked pretty good for me.
Yes yes oh God please someday yes. This speaks to me so much. I know it's impossible but that's what I want too. I had over 2 decades of some level of awareness of my abuse without ever caring about it and never once feeling hurt. It's so unfair to have the suppressor switch wear off and then be unable to find it and flip it back on again.
But more realistically.... I want the emotional tornado to disperse. I want the physical and emotional sensations to become less immediate. Want it to have less of an effect on my marriage and job - better it shoukd be none at all. I want it to become like every other bad memory in life: a MEMORY, that I can choose to think about or not.