i need to explain parts of the past, to get to the question, so that i can get real insight answers the helping way from survivor.
as many of you know, my husband is a survivor of crazy abuse by several perps (family, caretakers, neighbors, his mother!). it started when he was a baby and ended at about 12 or 13.
he then became a perpetrator and abused two girls. the second girl is my daughter and she came and told me (before he penetrated or raped). he lost his family (three kids and me).
he fled the country all the way to tanzania (from italy) and came back after three weeks, rather ready to go to jail than never seeing us anymore.
i took him to court and he got two years probation. i monitored the house with cameras and never even one second left him alone with any of the kids. my small son is only 6 now, that time almost 5.
then i pestered him with questions, he started therapy, he became honest, controlled his fantasy and masturbation addiction. no porn, no fantasy, no masturbation - it was HIS decision; well, otherwise none of us would have dealt with him anymore which would have been just fair.
but...he WANTED to heal.
so thru the abuse topic always being open in the family, he started getting memories. before that he had lived for 38 years and out of those 38 years, for about 30 years he assumed all men are like that, all men feel like that for young girls (starting puberty or earlier, or young women...)
well, reality hit him and he put up healing strategies.
among those was staying real, no sexualizing of anyone, no fixation feeding, no masturbation (he says he feels he is not ready to do it without the feeding of the perp side, so he doesnt want to do it for now), no fantasy...and any image, wanted or unwanted he immediately says to me (wife - no matter how much it hurts) and any other thing which comes to him, he says too.
it worked well sofar. more and more memories came, he read books, dealt with things.
things changed a ton! everything became better. he feels a lot of grief at times, cries a lot, is much happier all together and feels free of so many things. the kids love him more again (including our daughter) and he keeps all the safety guards up. all in all, he fights like a lion.
the only thing he is still not too capable to address is the abuse from his mother. she died end of october and he is between reality and denial regarding the mother. he knows she did abuse him, knows she did it regularly and since he was a baby, but he feels she loved him too cause he remembers hugs. other memories about her, their life, are very fading and cloudy.
now as he has gone thru different steps to get rid of the perpetrator in him (85% of all therapeutic work are about his perp side, the other 15 on his healing as a survivor side) and he succeeded pretty far.
he gets dreams sometimes. now as he doesnt do any of the harmful things when he is awake, he has sexual dreams where he abuses or where he is with someone who doesnt want it. he then wakes up or realizes in the dreams that its wrong, so he changes the dream or wakes up, because he doesnt want this.
last night he had three of those dreams, after weeks of not having any of those dreams, because he was stressed.
and he woke up and had started masturbation in his dream. masturbation for him means that he masturbates prone (stomach down on bed and pops into the matrace - like he did since he had been eight).
he then realized that he is doing what he was doing and stopped it and told me in the morning. he was proud of himself that he coudl stop it.
but i am worried that his perp side feeds on the dreams. and what if he doesnt realize or wake up before he has finished it (he says he would know). isnt this a step back from where he was?
the rule here is that any step back results in the end of our marriage. i feel some sort of love for him (which is not normal), but my first priority are my kids and steps backwards towards feeding the perp side are just not on. he ows us that, especially his daughter!
1. does any of you know how to get better control of the dreams? 2. is it possible that he completes a masturbation because of dissociation or sleep and doesnt actually know? ( i know about the orgasms at night if men dont have sex for a long time, but he never had that, he also has normal sex, so thats not what i mean).
3. Could it be that he has already gone a step back and thats why he now started dreaming those things, cause he doenst fantasize them when he is awake?
the last question is my own, the other two i would also like to know, but for question 1 and 2, he asked me to ask them here - to survivors.
if any of you survivors doesnt feel like helping a surivor/ perp out with answers, then its completely fine if you dont answer. i totally understand that. i dont want to tell anyone to "deal" with a perpetrator. all of you have dealt enough with them when you were kids or adults, so i really fully understand if i dontget many answers here.
its just so very helpful for me here, because i am not abused and i cant possibly know what you guys REALLY go thru. but you have helped me understanding so much so far, that i just feel in good hands here.
thank you everyone!
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end