I read something interesting the other day that made a lot of sense to me because I have caught my husband lying about very simple or unimportant things (and big things) our whole relationship, but it was in this weird way where I honestly felt he wasn't *trying* to lie to me, it just happened? I know that sounds weird...but anyway the thing I read said that when a person was sexually abuse as a child that they had to build their entire existence around lies: they had to lie about what was happening, lie to everyone (parents, family, best friends, etc.) to keep themselves or other people safe. Lying about their lives is necessary in a way. Being honest is dangerous.
I'm not exactly sure what to DO with this info. It helps explain a lot of my H's actions, but I think it helps to realize that the safer they feel that being honest isn't going to have negative consequences, the more likely they are to be honest. I hope that makes sense? As completely difficult and impossible as it might sound, I *think* that being able to take anything he says with calmness and without getting angry could help reverse the cycle.