I know it might seem strange for all of my drug use but describing mental/emotional happenstance in my own mind is so very hard, Iíll try this again. Imagine your body in any position, standing, sitting whatever, you can close your eyes, and if you concentrate, you stop thinking, it feels like your falling backwards, you can feel it in the pit of your stomach, just like when Iím staring out my hotel balcony now, yet it feels good, it feels safe, itís inviting, you can open your eyes and poof back to normal, itís just like ďgood vertigoĒ if there can be such a thing? Its why I asked if maybe anyone thought maybe it was what my mind did prior to being abused, disassociating; just wondering if anyone has any ideas, itís one of the few things Iím having problems dealing with, I remember it starting after I carried el diablo into the ground? Maybe it was jubilation at my tormentorís death, idk?

"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine