Stay strong, Smartshadow. I, too, was manipulated and abused by a person who said I wanted what happened. For almost three decades, I couldn't even wrap my mind around what happened. I lived a functionally dysfunctional life, always in pain, always in shame. You're not alone, as horrible and unique as your experiences were, so many of us here share similar feelings and similar experiences. What happened to you was a crime. It's not your fault. It never was. And you survived, brother. And I am so glad you did. Sometimes I think of my own shame as just a shadow cast on me by a cloud. It comes over me, it hurts, but then thank God it passes, if I'm patient, if I just duck my head for a moment and wait. I'm not sure, but I bet in some roundabout way that shame helped you survive. It helped me. I think it kept me from utter despair. If things were my fault, I thought, than I could fix them. But, for me, the shame isn't any good any longer. Now it's part of the problem. Keep seeking peace. Do things that you enjoy. Focus on the simple pleasures of life as much as you can. I feel for you.