The thing about my sexual abuse that has always confused me (probably intended by my abuser) was that it felt good and that I orgasmed. That led me down a path of sexual acting out and seeking that good feeling of touch. I desperately needed to be touched and seen by a man and this first man took advantage of that void in my life and left me right after.

The thing is, I now realize that my orgasm covered up the fact that he was taking from me and I didn't know it and on top of that, I thought he was in fact GIVING something to me. That is the insidiousness of some abusers. Since I was a boy in need and he recognized that need, he moved in for the kill and took my innocence under the guise of being gentle and feel-good touch. It was sickness personified. And I've felt guilty about it ever since.

I am getting out from under this self-blame. I am understanding that there is evil in this world. I am understanding that my orgasm was a cover under which one (and then others) could perpetrate a crime against me and allow my shame to cover their tracks. Insidious. Evil.

This is me getting better to recognize this and to stop blaming myself for having an orgasm. That was part of the crime. It was used against me and it was evil disguised as comfort and care.

Edited by EdfromNYC (01/29/13 01:07 PM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed