Hi Guys, new guy here...CloudyFalls I relate to your story. Most of my hatred towards my brother has been uleashed on him, yes I still hate him more than I ever imagined possible, but when I confronted him, that is where my anger was unleashed. Distance did not allow face to face...I am in B.C. and he's in Saskatchewan, but a phone call and a letter stating that I never want to have any contact with him at all sure helped me at the time to feel some sort of power. He tried to plead for me not to tell the family, I told him that was not possible and that everyone...including his daughter will know in due time. Him, I did not care about, but the remainder of my siblings and neices and nephews need to be told face to face...at least for me. My abuse started very young...4 or 5 years...shit, maybe even 3! I remember having these re-occuring nightmares where I would have a half man half Zebra, or Mynotaur sitting on my stomach...they were always naked. I have been trying to figure out who that was, but I have a suspicion that it was my father, never see "his" face but the feeling of complete terror was the same terror I had when he called me into my parents bedroom...him drunk as usual and the terror that I have mentioned was only when I had the "monsters" sitting on me and the second last time I saw my father...the one who raped my brother and who was told that if he told anyone, that he would kill Mom, our eldest sister (who was also raped by him) that is when my brother started. When I was old enough to tell him no...he would say "do as I say or I will tell mom what you have been doing" I was a slave to him, I could not tell anyone...Knowing that I was gay did not help either...if he did tell mom it would be because I was gay and would be thrown out and never see my family again! That is what I thought for all of those years.
Fast forward 27 years...here's me thinking that I had dealt with all of the abuse I had been put through when during a massage, all of it comes pouring out all at once...things that I had buried so deep that it really was too much information all at once. Coming clean with my yoga instructor (the woman that had given me my massage) and telling her of what I had remembered ...I was in seeing my first therapist a week later...that was over a year ago. I am lucky enough to be in a men's group that meets once a week...have to say that things are getting better...would not have thought possible not long ago.
I have hope that things will be getting a lot easier for me.